“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
You Might Also Like
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
dads on road-trips be like
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
ACED my prostate exam!
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Home is where your toilet is.