I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
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*bites zombie*
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
yea so i messed up lol
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty