Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
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“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
one of
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My patience has stretch marks.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”