Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.