true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio