[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My teenage children choosing violence
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.