Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“i miss shittin on people”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien