Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I am patiently waiting for your email
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep