I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.