[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
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I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?