Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Thoughts
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
broke down and did it