I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*