Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
listen closely
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun