learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.