Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I think we should hear other voices.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”