wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
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Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10