I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Feel. He’s so soft.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully