Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
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While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Great Canadian literature.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.