[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My wedding will be open casket.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.