Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night