When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015