If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.