my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”