Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Saw your ex at the shops
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 馃挬
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that鈥檚 just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me: WHY AREN鈥橳 YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you