Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
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me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
We like the way Dwight thinks
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
We’re all getting idioter.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system