I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING