rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
You Might Also Like
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
This classic never gets old . . .
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*orders delivery*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.