[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10