I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!