Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
dutch so unserious
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Ape together strong
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”