son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.