Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.