I can’t stop laughing 🤣
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“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
hmmm
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.