I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
❤️❤️❤️
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”