Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
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ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
How it started: How it’s going:
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.