WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here