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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I would move hell over six inches for you
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.