*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
two people or more is called a problem
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Krampus.