“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
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ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently