A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
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Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
every single time
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man