gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
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History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
What kind of a cult is this?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987