Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Sorry. Not sorry
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!