Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
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him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Facebook memories be like
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Seems kinda suspicious
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*