DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Every house has this drawer
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD