Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
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If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Do not steal food from the science building!
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.