Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
You Might Also Like
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.