Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*