Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct