Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
You Might Also Like
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement