Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on